To Snore or Not to Snore…

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The journey to surgery is moving along with only, maybe, one little hiccup.  I couldn’t complete the sleep study.  The place was great, the guy who was going to watch me sleep  (that sounds a bit creepy) was nice and I was ready for it.  I got woken up after 90 min.  Yeah, pretty severe apnea.  We tried the over the nose model.  Nope.  When I tried to breath out of my mouth it didn’t work.  Tried the over the nose and mouth model.  Nope.  I felt like I was suffocating.  Final try was the in the nose model.  Yeah, I didn’t even have that in for a minute and I was pulling it off.  Ever had someone pinch your nose and cover your mouth?  Well, you now know how the in the nose model CPAP works.

I guess I have a bit of claustrophobia.  Okay, more than a bit.  This does not bode well for having to use a CPAP.  The tech sent me home and told me to wait for a phone call telling me the results.  Call came yesterday and I didn’t do so hot.  My EKG was the only thing that was fine.  I’m really hoping the surgeon gives the go ahead even though I don’t have a machine for the two nights I’m in the hospital.

On the bright side, he wanted me to lose 15 pounds and I lost 16, and I’m still losing.  Woo-hoo!!  Surgery is approximately 2 and 1/2 weeks away and I’m getting psyched.  My hubby and son have been so supportive; I couldn’t ask for better guys in my life.  Another plus is I went shopping in my closet and found some clothes that now fit.

I’m still a work in progress, need to find an outlet besides food for when the stress hits.  That’s been a tough one.  But I’ll keep plugging along.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” Harriet Beecher Stowe

Create

Cotton Candy Skies

If someone tells you
“You don’t fit”,
“You can’t create”,
“You can’t be a part of”,
show them they’re wrong.
Creativity comes from the soul.
Not to be judged,
but to be admired, nurtured, taken in.
Like a rose that blooms with care,
creativity blooms with every bit of
seeing,
listening,
and happiness it brings to the soul.
So create,
write,
paint,
compose,
draw.
Do what you love,
and if someone tells you, “You can’t”,
don’t listen.
Because you can,
and you will.

Hoo-boy. S**t just got real.

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On Thursday a phone call came from the bariatric doc’s office. The young lady on the other end was very nice as she told me that I had only lost 7 lbs.

I know.

“And you have an appointment with the dr. in two weeks.”

I know.

“If you don’t drop at least 8 more lbs, your surgery will have to be pushed back.”

I kn….wait, what??!! I thought I had until the surgery date to drop the weight?!

She then politely explained that no, that’s not the case. It has to be by the next visit so the doc knows 1. I’m committed to this and 2. he’ll have a better idea as to how complicated or easy it’s going to be once he starts the surgery.

Oh boy. My immediate reaction was to get defensive. I got upset, my answers became curt, and I couldn’t wait to get off the phone. After I hung up I thought about my reaction. It wasn’t the receptionist’s fault that she had to make that call. It wasn’t her fault I hadn’t lost the suggested weight and yet I took things out on her. I definitely owe her a phone call to apologize.

I used to react like this all the time when I got called on the carpet for something I had done (now I see where my kid gets it from). I don’t do this anymore, I’ve changed, or at least I thought I had until that phone call. I have gotten much, much better at taking responsibility for something when it is my fault. Except for this time and I think it’s because I was am ashamed.

Ashamed that I had four months to lose 20 lbs and it hasn’t happened. Ashamed that once again I was going to change the way I ate and it hasn’t happened. I should know by now that I am a food addict and I can’t pretend that when there is ice cream in the house I’ll only have 1/2 c. one night a week. I can’t go into any store where candy is sold when I’m feeling vulnerable (nee, angry, sad, bored) because I will buy said candy and eat it in the car so no one knows. Not even me, because I block that shit right out of my mind. Unless I journal every morsel that goes into my mouth, it magically leaves my memory. Until, that is, I get on the scale and it doesn’t go down, try on those clothes and they’re a little tight, or get that phone call from the surgeon’s office that jerks me back to reality.

That phone call really made it clear to me and I had a “come to Jesus” talk with myself and the voice sounded amazingly like Gunny. “How bad do you want this surgery!?” Very badly. “How committed are you to making the changes you need to make for this to be successful!?” I’m committed. “How commited?!”  Really, really committed. “Okay soldier, then kick that attitude to the curb, follow the doc’s eating plan, and do the hard work!” Yes sir!

So yesterday after I worked out at the gym for over an hour, I went to Wal-Mart (or the Wal-Mart as my hubby likes to say) to buy protein powder for my morning meals and Lean Cuisines for lunch and dinner. If I’m hungry in between it will be veggies for snacks. And water. Lots and lots of water.

I’ve come too far for this. I am not going to fail.

Sunny

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I look at your face and see white where golden fur used to be

Your eyes are a little more cloudy,

your hearing not so sharp.

Unless it’s the refrigerator door opening,

somehow you still hear that.

The past 10 years have been full of joy, running, treats, stolen food,

wild animals chased, and wild animals caught.

Your first two years of life are a mystery to me.

You belonged to someone else, someone not so nice or caring.

Someone who made you afraid of men, loud noises, feet, and hands coming towards you.

Where there should have been cuddles, hugs, and games of fetch,

there was hitting, yelling, ignoring, and abandonment.

I have tried to erase those two years of fear,

I hope I have succeeded.

You have helped make me a more patient person,

to see that not all damaged psyches are unchangeable.

In the span of life’s journey, we have such a short time together.

I hope I have brought you as much happiness as you have brought me.

 

 

The Gym is My Friend

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I awoke this morning at 3:30 and as much as I tried, sleep wasn’t coming back.  So, I got up and hopped online.  Before I knew it time had passed and it was 5:00.  I toyed with the idea of not going to the gym since I’m getting over a cold.  I sniffed.  No, the nose was pretty clear.  I swallowed.  Throat doesn’t hurt anymore.

Damn.

Looks like I’m going to the gym. The picture above is an actual picture of the YMCA I belong to.  Nice place, huh.

It’s not that I hate going to the gym.  I like it.  Okay, I don’t mind it.  I just wish I was one of those people who liked to exercise in the afternoon.  But I’m not. I know that if I don’t get it done in the morning, it just ain’t gonna happen.  So I put on my new workout pants, which, by the way, are now fitting not so snug.  Got into the car and headed to the Y.

It always amazes me how many cars there are in the parking lot.  I wonder if these folks had a hard time getting themselves up and moving.  There they were on the treadmills, the elliptical, the stairmaster, in the pool, and working out with weights.  All concentrating on getting healthy.

Sigh.

I guess I’ll join the ranks.

I’ve been going to the gym for over a week now and already notice the knees don’t complain as much when I ask them to bend.  I’ve also been walking and I know this has helped too.  The doc wants me to lose 15-20 lbs before the surgery.  This will make it easier for him to navigate once he gets in there.  In true fashion, I’ve been dilly-dallying and not really sticking to my eating plan.  So, with four weeks to go until my pre-op appt, I have only lost four pounds.  I could blame it on a lot of issues but it comes down to the fact that I have not been doing what I should.  I am getting my ass in gear and getting ready for this new journey.

Next week I meet with the nutritionist and the psychologist.  The following week is my sleep study.  If all of those are cleared I am officially ready for surgery!  Just have to get approval from the insurance company and I’m hoping there are no problems there.  If nothing else, I have had a comprehensive physical and have found out that except for being overweight, I’m healthy!  Good and bad cholesterol numbers are good, bp is 120/64, blood glucose level is in the 90′s, heart is in great shape.  I figure once I get this weight off I could be Wonder Woman.  Okay, that may be stretching it a bit but hey, you never know.

 

The List. Mine, not Schindler’s.

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My surgery is seven weeks away and I can feel my excitement level rising.  I have joined a couple of Facebook support groups and a web support group (Obesityhelp.com).  I have been reading lots of posts and getting plenty of tips from folks who have just had surgery, are months out, and are years out.  I figure that if I go into this with tools to help deal with certain issues, it can only be good.

Tears come to me when I read about folks who talk about what they have been able to do that they couldn’t do before and it got me thinking about all the things “normal size” people do that are taken for granted.  I started ticking off in my head a list of what I can’t wait to do and decided I’d put it to paper electronic paper so that if I’m having a tough time I can go back to this list and see exactly why I’m having/had the surgery.

Walk up and down the stairs without having a death grip on the railing

Sit in a theater seat comfortably and be able to actually use the arm rest as an arm rest

Ride a bike

Do house/yard work and not be exhausted

Get down on the floor to exercise, or sit, and be able to get back up without looking like a fish flopping around out of water

Garden, garden, garden!!

Go to an amusement park and ride a roller-coaster with my son

Put my underwear on standing up without falling over.  Seriously.

Climb hills

Climb mountains.  Okay, that may be a stretch.  I have never had the desire to climb a mountain, but it’s nice to know I could do it.

Run Jog a 5k

Cross country ski, snowshoe

Sew my own clothes if I want to

Sit on my husband’s lap.  Without cutting off his circulation.

Play tennis.  This is a fun thing, in no way, shape, or form do I take the game seriously.  I have never been that good.

Dance, Dance, Dance (Yowza, Yowza, Yowza)!  You folks who survived disco in the 70′s get the reference.  For the rest of you poor souls, check out Chic.

Swim in public – this one may take awhile

Go for a hike.  Maybe camp.  Those of you who know me understand that my idea of camping is a Holiday Inn.  Don’t know if weight loss will change this outlook.  I know Tim would be happy if it did.

Be able to stand on my feet for a length of time without being uncomfortable

Buy cute shoes. I said cute, not high heels.  Those days are gone.

Paint my toenails

Go for a massage without being self-conscious

Cross my legs

Have more of a selection for clothing purchases

To be able to walk into a room without scanning it to see if I’m the biggest person there

Be able to outrun the zombies if there is an apocalypse

Live life to the fullest extent.  I can’t wait.

 

 

 

 

Panera and Night Class

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Joe is taking a class at a local community college.  It meets on Monday evenings from 6:45 to 8:45.  P.M.  In the evening.  At night.  Now, that wouldn’t be such a big deal but I am a morning person.  My best time to get things done is between 5 am and noon.  After that, I begin to fade and on most nights I am ready for my jammies by 7:00 pm.  So, while a one time a week evening class is aces for a 15 (almost 16 year old), for a 50 something mom it sucks.

Since the college is 1/2 hour away, his dad and I take turns bringing him and tonight it is my turn.  I decided that instead of spending two hours wandering aimlessly around Target, I would bring the laptop and hit Panera’s.  Usually when I go to Panera’s it is to eat lunch and then leave.  I’m not one to linger.  But tonight I joined the ranks of those folks I used to watch.  You know the ones.  They sit near the fireplace with some food or a cup of coffee and type away on their laptop.  They always seem so busy and I wonder what they’re working on.  A book?  An update to their spy dosier? An important project that is due the next day for work?

I secretly listen to the two women with their teenage daughters sitting in the booth across from me.  One’s daughter has been accepted to quite a few colleges – Georgetown being one of them.  Sometimes I don’t even hear the words, just the pleasant, calming singsong of their voices.

I’m the only one typing away on my laptop and I wonder if anyone looks at me and wonders what I wonder when I see people like me.  I’m just typing a blog post folks.  Move along…nothing to see here.